How many times have we regretted to marry this person who has been with us for the past 5, 10, or 20 years? How many times have we complained, either with verbal expression or deep down silently, that this person is no longer the one we love at the beginning?
Is it really because this person has changed? Or is it that we get bored of having this same person? So what’s the problem?
If we ask ourselves, what was it that made us falling in love with this person at the beginning? Those items would come up in our list of why: handsome, pretty, sexy, smart, great in communication, loving, and “special”. I believe that those are common qualities most people desire for, when seeking for a loving relationship.
Now let’s take a close look at those qualities that we are seeking for. Some of them are physical attractions, some are mental attractions. Mental attractions have two aspects: emotional and intellectual. Both of them are our mind’s faculty which functions according to our experience and knowledge.
No matter whether it’s our experience or our knowledge, they are what we acquire over the years and what forms our intellect, isn’t it? So intellect is our acquisition, meaning it’s from outside. When we choose a partner based on intellect, we are doomed to unhappiness. Here is why.
Admit it or not, when we reply on the intellect to tell us what person we should be looking for, basically we reply on outside world’s judgment. Physical and intellectual quality could bring happiness for a period of time, but never last long.
Intellect is the tool that we gather and develop over life time. The higher the intellect is, the sharper the tool is. It helps us to compare, compete and judge. Because it is sharp, it can solve logical issues very efficiently. However it harms any relationship also because it is sharp like a knife.
Intellect is a great tool to deal with things, not people. Intellect forms our framework to deal with outside world and to logically define what’s good and what’s not. Judgment is the core of intellect. No judgment no intellect. But no one wants to be judged. That is the problem.
Those intellect/logic frameworks in our mind make us compare this person to that, compare present to the past, compare the fact to our expectation. After comparison of course we judge. That makes us miserable.
When we are not happy, our intellect makes us to seek solutions from outside. Because intellect is from outside it can only think of outside. We start to blame our partners. We try to control and manage them hoping that they would change some day. Often than not, they fail our expectation which becomes our reason to unhappiness.
How to Break the Loop of Unhappy Relationship
We have to understand this first: Each of us is supposed to be a complete individual, meaning our life is not depending on any other life. When we are complete and fulfill from inside, we will be happy and satisfied unconditionally.
But if we are incomplete, we will try to seek completeness from outside. Once a relationship is formed, we seek completeness from our partner, which is the life we can easily attach to.
When we ask for attention, assurance, security, or anything from another person, we literally ask for their energy and life. That person can definitely feel it even unconsciously. So they will do whatever to avoid and escape.
Stop asking, instead start building our own completeness. It is the way to ultimate happiness.
When we ask, we cannot get. When we give, we get more in return. Relationship and love works the same way. Relationship is supposed to help us to expand, not to fill the gap. Whenever we achieve inside completeness, expansion will start.
What Is Inside Completeness
Inside completeness has nothing to do with being independent or confident. It has nothing to do with being feminine or masculine. It is beyond body and mind. People who totally get what life is, who realize what life purpose is, and who see the world and all other lives with true compassion, can be complete.
If we seek to acquire something, we will never get it. No life owns another life. Each life is independent and complete by itself. If we can embrace another life, we can include it in our life. Unconditional happiness is achieved upon inside completion. When we become a happy and loving person, anyone wants to have us in their relationship, no matter it’s loving relationship, parents-children relationship, friendship, or business partnership.
photo credit to obsidianphotography and johnhain